Was I Dead Inside or Just Queer?

Dreadful as is, inevitably one must face the terrifying ordeal of being known, one must face the fact that in order to truly love life, you must know what is there to be loved about yourself.

To be cringe is to be free

The first step towards self expression is knowing yourself, but the hardest part of this process isn’t talked as much: Forgiving yourself. I've always had a complicated relationship with how I look, as a teenager I always neglected any self care, never brushed my hair, never took any pictures and dodged any compliments thinking they were satire, I became a ghost. This self hatred was distilled into a poison seeping through every crevice of my life. As time went on, I started taking care of my mental health and the lack self care showed its consequences in the shape of “not knowing how to present myself to the world”, more often than not I avoided being in social events, when outside I always used the same old tired white t-shirts and black jeans, and as a direct consequence of this when I looked in the mirror all I felt was, for lack of a better word, boredom. I know I can be more, but I am terrified of being perceived as the person I really am, I robbed myself of that growth. As a 22 year old, I feel like I’m having discoveries most people had during their teenage years, and that’s ok, I think.

The Whole LGBT Thing

Admittedly, sexuality wasn’t much of a topic to me until recently when a friend, who I’ll call Cat, dragged me out of the asexual closet, but I’m still not very comfortable with the topic so please have patience with me, we all experience things differently, but making such discoveries made me happier with myself, no longer I was an alien for having no interest in sexual relationships, my happiness does not need to conform the expectations of others.

art by the-papa-artist

However, gender expression is a whole other problem that is directly related to the “presentation of self”, and to do that I’d like to first divide the topic into the 3 main parts that compose gender based in my own perception and life experiences:

1. Body language
2. Verbal Language
3. Dress code

I always tried my best to fit all 3 categories as a “manly man”, but it was clear both for me and for those around me that something was off, I never liked my hair short, I never liked being competitive nor strived to be in positions of power, growing up I never really noticed but most of my friendships were girls, most of the more “stereotypical males” from my family would frown upon my disinterest in sports or dating, and a lot of the time I had nothing to say when talking to other boys. Socializing shouldn’t feel like such a massive chore with mental scripts and everything... should it?

Truth be told, I always sucked at being a boy. Visually I am very masculine, but deep down, despite very much liking how I look I kinda don’t want to be perceived as a “man man” if that makes any sense.

Damn I wish that were me.

It is 9PM, the night graces you with a gentle breeze, it is chill enough for you to get that comfortable blanket, as you lay down on your bed you receive a message from your friend, Cat, a thoughtful Twitter link with a My Little Pony fanart of the main cast as humans. MLP is a show they know you love, since you told them a few years ago as a confession that when you were 12 you watched it in secret to avoid being judged by your friends, a lonely enjoyment.

art by alexbeeeza on Twitter

As you look at the beautiful designs of that fanart all you can think is “i kinda wish i looked this cool”, a thought so genuine in fact, that before you even noticed you typed it and sent it, your friend simply says: - Bro. i’m gonna get you out of another closet, just you wait. - But how can that be? - you think, hopelessly trying to rationalize it - What I said wasn’t THAT gay, was it? It was too late however, you trust Cat with your guts, they figured you were asexual before you even knew that was a thing, what do they have in mind now? Or better, what do YOU have in your mind now?

We’re all born naked and the rest is drag

A few days before the interaction narrated above I watched a video that caught me off guard, a video that was clicked just to be background noise ended up grabbing me by the neck and making me realize something. The video was this one:

The Incel to Trans Pipeline and Inside Mari (by ceicocat)

Now, just to be clear, I don’t consider myself an incel nor do I consider the idea of transitioning, but the analysis of the male gender and how many ideas come with it, such as this idea of inborn ugliness and gender dysphoria as a male, made me realize that “hey, maybe we are all victims of this system aren’t we?", performing gender roles, even for cis people can be difficult and limiting.         Fitting in is not synonymous with belonging, and this distinction is made painfully clear when you realize that by "fitting" in a gender role you are also bound by the expectations and perceptions of others. Maybe I could have been a lot happier if I didn’t have to hide my interests in order to “pass” as a macho for my friends, maybe I could have been a lot happier if I wasn’t made fun of for having a lot of girl (space) friends, maybe I could have been a lot happier if I didn’t have to worry about being a man.

The Talk

Me and Cat decide to schedule a day to talk, he really wants to know if there really is a closet to drag me out of, as I approach their apartment there is this feeling in my chest, like I’m going to the doctor or something. We make some coffee, sit down, and we have what was possibly one of the most genuine conversations I have ever had in my life. Turns out it isn’t very “cis” to think about gender this much.

         I long for freedom, I don't hate how I look, I hate how the world looks at me, I know I might never connect to people how I really want because between me and the world there is my body. I really suck at being a man, but I don’t really care about being a woman, and if I had to choose... All I really want is to be an artist.

Maybe for you, reader, this was an inconclusive ending, unsatisfactory even, and for that I am sorry, this is still the beginning of my journey, I am still reading a lot about the topic of gender-queerness and the non binary umbrella. But if any of this spoke to you I urge you to watch the ceicocat video linked above, her analysis and story are top notch and miles above anything I could ever put together. Thanks to ceicocat for the wake up call, thanks to Cat for dragging me out of this newly built closet, and thanks to you for reading until the end! Happy Pride and I hope to...

See ya in the near future!